


what I’ve found

by scooter3scooter



Series: What Do I Need? [7]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Affection, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Artist Peter Parker, Artist Steve Rogers, Attempt at Humor, Awesome Pepper Potts, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Drawing, Emotional Hurt, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Peter, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, I tag as I go, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Journey To Getting Better, No Endgame, No Infinity War, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Past Abuse, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Cries, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Nightmares, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has a Family, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker draws, Peter Parker has PTSD, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Peter Parker is a Mess, Platonic Cuddling, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Pepper Potts, Protective Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark, Recovering Peter Parker, Recovery, Recovery is a long process, Recovery is hard, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Separation Anxiety, Sequel, Social Anxiety, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Tags Are Hard, Teen Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Cuddles, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Lives, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, no far from home, road to recovery, vent fic, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26704900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: Day one. I can do this, it’s only the first day without my parents, what could go wrong? And it’s not like I’m actually alone, Bucky and Steve are in the common room and I know there’s more of my family around the compound if I want to go find them. I don’t have to be alone, I actually have options. Wow… that’s still such a foreign concept.—Direct sequel to What Do I Need
Relationships: Happy Hogan & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Everyone, Peter Parker & Pepper Potts, Peter Parker & Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark & Everyone, Wanda Maximoff & Peter Parker & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Series: What Do I Need? [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1313735
Comments: 46
Kudos: 48





	1. family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set directly after my fic What Do I Need? like literally the next day and I highly recommend you read that story before this one. The other fics I have in this series aren’t necessary to read this one though.  
> Title idea comes from the lovely LittleMissAgrafina :)

_Day one. I can do this, it’s only the first day without my parents, what could go wrong? And it’s not like I’m actually alone, Bucky and Steve are in the common room and I know there’s more of my family around the compound if I want to go find them. I don’t have to be alone, I actually have options. Wow… that’s still such a foreign concept._

Snatching up my art supplies, I went out in search of the two super soldiers, not wanting to stay in my room isolated anymore. It’s so crazy, I can just… draw. I don’t need to worry about making sure my mom approves of the calligraphy or that my dad thinks the colors work together well, I can just draw whatever I want. _And I finally have time._ Both mom and dad assured me yesterday that I should absolutely do no worrying about after the honeymoon. No worrying about maybe moving, no worrying about being Spider-Man again, about the changes that comes with being a Pott’s, and if they knew I assume they wouldn’t want me to worry about the dance with Harley either, no worrying

_I don’t think my mind got the memo though._

It was not hard to find Bucky and Steve as they were cuddled on the couch, legs entangled, watching the new Lady and The Tramp. Though they looked all lovey dovey their voices were not quite so sweet. I had to stifle a laugh when I heard what they were arguing about, “I’m just saying, Punk, that it is just criminal to get rid of the beaver.”

Steve rolled his eyes, “they didn’t get _rid_ of-” but he didn’t get to finish his side before Bucky was cutting him off.

“Oh come on, yeah that did! He’s just a stupid statue now, that is offensive,” but his argument only got Steve to quirk his eyebrows, “don’t look at me like that! You can’t say it’s okay to have talking dogs but it’s not okay to have a talking beaver. Oh, hey Peter,” he finally noticed me watching them, “what’s your opinion on this catastrophe?” 

I looked Steve in the eye with a smirk, “it is definitely offensive,” only to watch him groan at Bucky’s victorious ‘ha!’ Though Steve did not hold a grudge as he shifted to make room on the couch and patted the cushion, inviting me over. Plopping down on the cushy couch, I listened to the movie while they pointed out more little things to playfully argue over. _Definitely a good distraction from me totally not worrying. I would never worry when my parents tell me not to, who do you think I am? Obviously I’m the biggest rule follower ever._

The only problem with sitting with the most famous same sex couple in the world is that it only gets me thinking of Harley. _Not that me and him are a couple or anything! I don’t even like him like that, of course not. It was just so confusing with him being so flirty and everything, that’s the only reason._ Would Harley want this though? He’s the one that initiated the dance with me, he actually gave up dancing with The Black Widow just to dance with me. He doesn’t even know I’m Spider-Man and he wanted me.

_He can’t know I’m Spider-Man right? There’s no way._

I must just be very starved of interaction with teens. And he was probably bored without many other kids there, the only other ones being the Barton’s. He just saw me as an easy way to entertain himself, yeah that has to be it. _See, I’m not worrying. I’m reasoning. And this is a better thing to not worry about anyway than the fact that we may be leaving the only safe place I’ve known in my life and go somewhere either completely new or go back to the city my abuser lives in._ Yeah, it’s better to not worry about Harley.

_Wait, did I just call May my abuser? I mean, it’s not wrong…_

Nope, nope bad thoughts. Not supposed to worry. Looking down at my drawing, I wasn’t even sure what it was supposed to be anymore. It was more just a mess of doodles instead of Lady and Tramp like I had meant to draw. It’s still something to occupy me so who am I to complain?

_I mean, I could ask Steve or Bucky what they think Harley’s intentions were, but it’s not even a big deal. It’s not like I’ll ever see him again, my mind is just very rude and won’t leave me alone with it. And yeah mom and dad said I can call them whenever I want about anything, especially if I’m upset or anxious, but I can’t ruin their honeymoon on the first day. Or at all. And isn’t that mean to Steve and Bucky? I don’t want them to feel like I don’t trust them enough to go to them…_

As if he knew I was thinking about him, Bucky asked, “wanna pick the next one?” Trying to refocus on my surroundings, I picked the live action Beauty and The Beast purely to see what the super soldiers would have to criticize about it. _Though once it started I realized I maybe should have done the live action Aladdin instead because of the ending dancing scene. Because of course there’s two guys_ dancing _of all things at the end._

Pretty soon Natasha stalked into the room, and Wanda appeared soon after seemingly out of nowhere. _I swear she knows how to teleport._ Even Bruce showed up half way through. And soon it was like an unofficial movie night, just an impromptu fun night together. There really is nothing sitting with a bunch of people you love and pointing out all the funny things in a good movie. _God, is this what a real family is like?_ Maybe, if it can be like this, loving people around me and willing- _no, wanting_ \- to spend time with me, then maybe mom and dad being gone won’t be so hard.

_Maybe I can actually not worry. At least not too much._

Yeah, okay I thought that until it hit nighttime. I was naive then. A naive child then, obviously I grew up in the last few hours. Laying in the soft bed, completely covered in a mound of fluffy blankets I instinctively tried to quiet my cries down, as if Friday didn’t already know I was crying. Though, as if to prove it, she asked, “Baby Boss, would you like me to contact Boss?” 

Only for me to gasp out, “no! No, don’t bother him or mom, they can’t know.” _They can’t know how desperately lonely the night is. They can’t know how much I want them home. Or how impossible it is to be really away from dad for the first time since he saved me._

Though, the AI would not just give in, “Boss recommended prior to his honeymoon for me to contact Sergeant Barnes if you are in distress.” As much as I wanted to argue that I was not in distress, I knew she could tell otherwise even if the tears weren’t enough of a giveaway. _How come I can have such a nice day and still have such a miserable night?_

I’m not sure if it was just the desperate loneliness in me or the fear Friday would go against my word and contact my parents if I stayed like this, but I let her summon Bucky. _God, I hope he wasn’t sleeping._ It was barely a few minutes before he arrived, giving me enough time to force my cries to stop and wipe the tears off my cheeks, in what looked like work out clothes. _Oh thank god he might have been exercising instead of sleeping._

“Hey, Peter, Friday said you were in distress.” _Of course she did._ “Can I come sit with you?” I just gave a nod, even though we were still shrouded in darkness, too nervous my voice would crack if I tried to speak. Though, I didn’t need to say anything because once he came around the bed and sat next to me, he asked, “missing your parents?” I hardly got one nod before the sob broke through, and I was frantically nodding when he asked if he could hug me. _He didn’t even seem to mind my tears staining his shirt._

“I know it’s really hard for you to be away from them after barely being apart for so long. And I know I can’t replace them, and I won’t try to, but I’m here for you.” I could only hope me holding him tighter was enough for him to understand how grateful I am to him. _If I could, I’d thank him again and again for being here and staying with me and not being mad at me or disappointed for not even lasting one day before breaking down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I just wanted to get a chapter out before everything in my life changes and I lose the mindset to write. I know it’s not a great start but I’m proud that I actually wrote something and got it posted quick enough.  
> Thank you for reading :)


	2. red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for self harm and minor dissociation

_Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, backandforthbackandforthbackan-_

It’s not that I’m completely unaware I’m doing it, but more I’m not… I dunno, conscious enough? That’s probably not the word, but not in the right mindset to think through what I’m doing. I’m not _there_ enough to comprehend my decisions. Like I’m watching myself drag my nails back and forth back and forth and yet I don’t quite feel it. Not fully. _Is this dissociation?_

_Does it matter?_

I moved my fingers, changing the grip on my hand as I dug my nails back in, tearing away layer by layer of skin from the back of my hand. Such an obvious place, it can be noticed without even looking for scratches. _Part of me knows when I can think clearly again I’ll be mad at me. Mad for being so weak, mad for being so obvious, for being bad._

Red. All I saw was red. Scarlet bubbled up in my hand, just a small bead of it sticking out of the scratches. Not even a drip, not even close, just a dot. _Red, red, red. Any red is too much._ I stopped scratching my nails back and forth, instead just digging them into the flesh, staring at the blood. 

_Oh god what have I done? I’m supposed to be better, I’m supposed to be past this. I can’t just revert back every time my dad leaves me alone. There wasn’t even a real trigger, there’s no almost valid reason. No plane ride, no seeing my abuser, no reason._

Part of me could almost make out words being said but it was far too muddled to even try to understand clearly. I just kept my gaze locked on my leaking hand. _My fault._ Whatever noise was happening in the background, was too much. _Can’t listen and watch and hurt me at the same time, too many things._ The voice, it’s like I’m hearing it through water. Like I’m trapped under the surface, can’t breach to hear anything clearly, or even take a breath. 

It’s like I’m trapped in the ocean… or a lake. Like the parachute is wrapped around me and no matter what _no matter how hard I struggle I can’t get out, I can’t swim away. I can’t hear, can’t move, can only let me stay hurt. I can only wait until I drown drown drown._

Knocking, knocking, why won’t it stop? It’s too loud, everything’s too loud. Even the silence between the knocks are too loud. It’s all too much, everything’s too much. 

“Peter,” a voice called out but I could not tell from where, “Peter!”

_No, the voice can’t come in. Whoever’s here can’t be here, I’m alone. I’m supposed to be alone, I’m always meant to be alone. In the end, I’ll always be isolated. It’s how it’s meant to be._

The voice sounded again but I didn’t try to comprehend the words. Something about touching and-

I did not mean to flinch, I swear I didn’t mean to. Though I could not drag my eyes away from the blood on my hands, in my peripheral vision I vaguely made out something shiny. Shiny like… maybe metal? _Oh. Oh I’m stupid. There’s only one person in the world with a metal arm and he lives in the same place I do._

_Bucky, go away. You can’t help me, I lost._ Though the words never passed my lips. His flesh hand was on mine, not stopping me from continuing to dig my nails into the back of my hand, but letting me know he was there. _He can’t help though, I can’t calm down. I can’t, not without dad. The only way to calm down is keep scratching, keep myself distracted._

_Just back and forth back and forth._

“Peter,” Bucky tried again, “I’m going to hold your hand, okay?” I did not have it in me to respond. Slowly his hand grasped the one hurting me, gently pulling it off my wounded area. For only a second I pulled back, trying to get back to my injury, though I stopped just as quick as I started. _I can’t have the audacity to fight back._

His voice was so soft, so gentle, as if talking to a crying baby, “I’m not upset, or disappointed, okay?” He tried to reassure me. _No, that’s wrong. He should be mad, I’m mad. I’m so so disappointed and and I’m so fucking ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be better and on day two of my parent being gone I already relapse._

With a gasp the sobs that have been bubbling up in me all day finally broke free, the tears immediately beginning to drip.

He was not even caught off guard, quickly trying to hush me, “hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m not upset, I’m not angry. It’s okay,” _it’s not though, it’s not okay,_ “I’m here.” _But you shouldn’t be, I should be alone. I don’t deserve anyone to be here, I don’t deserve comfort._ “What can I do to help?” He asked tenderly. 

I was frantically shaking my head before he even finished the question. _There’s no helping me, I ruined it. I broke it. I was supposed to be better and I screwed everything up. I fucked it all up. God, I knew I would._

Somehow, he stayed patient with me, “well there’s no one else in the compound except Bruce. Would you rather talk to him?” Once again I was shaking my head ‘no no no.’ “Do you want me to call Tony?” He asked softly. 

That is when I finally squeaked out, “no!” _God, why does my voice have to crack at the worst times?_ As much as I wanted to scream that he can’t call my dad, he can’t let me ruin his honeymoon just because I’m too weak to keep from hurting myself, I couldn’t get the words out. 

_I’m so selfish, always always selfish. I’m just wasting Bucky’s time and worrying him over nothing._

“Okay,” he nodded, “I won’t call him if you don’t want me to, but it’s always an option,” _no it’s not. As much as everyone says it’s okay for me to reach out to them, it’s not a real option. It’s the wrong choice. I can’t screw up their honeymoon._ “Why don’t we go clean up your hand?” As much as I desperately wanted to hide away and tear up my hand more, I nodded compliantly. 

Still holding my hand, he helped me up out of my bed and lead me to the bathroom attached to my bedroom. He directed me to wash my hands while he rifled through the drawers. Once the red was down down down the drain, he had already found the first aid supplies. Laying out bandaids and a cream of some kind on the counter he waited until my hands were properly dried before tending to my wounds. 

_I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve his patience or his care. I deserve to just bleed out on my own._

As hard as I tried to keep my tears at bay, they continued to slowly drag down my face. As I cried before him, Bucky repeated his earlier question, “what can I do to try to help?” _Nothing._ I simply shrugged, not having it in me to talk more. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Part of me desperately _desperately_ wished he would stay, knowing I would suffocate on my own. But part of me knew it’s better I’m alone.

_I can’t hurt anyone when I’m alone. At least, no one who isn’t deserving to be hurt._

“Alone is better,” I mumbled out between cries. With a supposed to be comforting pat on my back, he respected my wishes. _I have no right to be upset._ Once he existed the room, I collapsed right there on the bathroom floor. Sob after sob wracked my body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idea help from the lovely LittleMissAgrafina :)  
> I’m sorry this one is so sad y’all, I needed to vent and I felt really bad for not updating this story in so long so I figured two birds with one stone. I’m gonna try to start writing again, life has just been so utterly insane. Like discounting COVID and the election and everything wrong in the world, my personal life is crazier and more overwhelming than it’s ever ever ever been and it’s take an insane toll on my mental health. I just don’t have it in me to write much anymore.  
> As always, didn’t proof read I’m sorry.  
> Thank you for reading :)


	3. two different sides of myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for descriptions of a breakdown and aftermath of self harm.

I knew I fucked up even before Bucky left the room. The stupid little clingy part of me beg begging him to come back before he even really left. Instinctively, I reached my hand down to scrape off more of my already ruined skin, only to be met with the bandage Bucky only just put on my hand. Though I knew I could ever so easily rip that bandaid off and tear my hand apart, something stopped me. _I’m not sure if that’s the weak or the strong part._

Tears continued to fall fall fall and along with it was snot. I’m just that disgusting. I just hung my head low, knees pulled up to my chest. _Making myself as small as possible._ I had to breathe through my mouth as my nose was too full of snot to be able to get any breath in at all. I did not even bother to sniffle, just letting the snot drip down into my lap. With my mouth open to breathe and hung down, a small trail of spit began to slip down, adding to the mess in my lap.

_God, if anyone saw me I’d never never be able to live it down. Just seeing myself it too much._ With that miserable thought, I clenched my eyes shut, only succeeding in pushing out the tears that were clinging to my eyes still. 

And I stayed like that. 

I stayed like that until my tears ran out, though my body still sobbed out whimpers and whines. I stayed like that until my nose stopped dripping and the leftover snot dried to my face. I stayed like that until my mouth was too dry to leak spit. I stayed like that until even if I tried, I wouldn’t be able to open my eyes. 

_The knock knock knocking came back._

The only movement I made was to cover my face with my hands, just in case anyone came in. Even if I attempted to speak, I know my voice would never be able to get above a whisper in volume. “Hey, Peter,” it was Steve who called out. _Didn’t Bucky say the only one_ _home_ _here was Bruce?_ “Buck made dinner, there’s a mountain of mac n cheese bigger than you,” he let out a chuckle that sounded much too forced. “Do you want to come eat with us?” 

_Yes!_ The stupid part of me screamed internally. _Please don’t leave me alone. Don’t leave me. Not you too. I know I pushed Bucky away but I didn’t really want him to go._

_No._ The other part of me answered in my mind. _You have to stay alone, you already wasted too much of Bucky’s time. You already ruined enough, you don’t need to destroy what’s left._

Before I could pick a side, Steve asked, “did you hear me? Are you asleep?” As if I would answer if I was sleeping. “Can I come in, Peter?” There was something lacing his voice, something I could not quite make out. I did not have time to, even if I tried. “I’m gonna come in, okay? You can tell me to get out at any time, alright?” _It’s just wrong for a super soldier to sound so timid._

He spotted me immediately. I didn’t even remember when I ended up on the floor but here I am. “Oh, Peter…” He breathed out. Though my face was still completely covered by my hands, I just knew that if I looked at him there would be pure pity on his face. He padded slowly to where I sat curled up in a tight ball, “can I help you?” He asked with more gentleness than I ever thought possible from him. 

My mind was a mess of _yes! No! Yes! No! Beg him to stay! Make him leave!_ And all I could do was shrug. Upon my lack of answer, he made the decision himself. _And I heard him walk away._ Though, instead of stepping out of the room like I anticipated, he went the opposite direction. Entering my bathroom, I heard him rifling through my drawers, then the sound of the water tap. And then he was back.

There was a small pause before he spoke, “I got you a washcloth to clean your face.” I did not even have to think before I was feverishly shaking my head _no no no_ . As if he was the psychic one, he quickly spoke up, “I’ll turn away if you don’t want me to see your face.” _That… that’s actually really considerate._

And as much as the louder part of me still urged me to kick him out, the feeling of dried snot to my face and tears somehow still clinging to my face was too uncomfortable. With a nod, he slowly touched the wet washcloth to my hand. When I grabbed it, I heard him shuffle, no doubt turning away from me. The wash cloth was warm and soft and when I began to rub it over my disgusting face, it’s like it was melting away all the grime. 

While I continued to clean myself, Steve spoke up again, “I’m going to get you a fresh set of clothes to change into and I’ll run you a bath.” It was not a question this time. It’s like he already knew the plan by heart, _like he’s done this dozens of times before._ He was careful never to look at me while he went over to my dresser and picked out some soft pajamas, even going so far as to grab me a clean pair of underwear, before he went back into my bathroom.

_Wait, did he say bath or shower? Yeah, I have a bathtub in my bathroom but it’s not like I’ve ever used it._

When the faucet went on, and the shower head didn’t, I had my answer. Though, I didn’t have it in me to protest. After just a couple minutes, because of course my dad has baths that fill up insanely fast, he was back. Even though my face was not completely gross, I still covered it with my hands. 

“You’re all set,” I could hear the smile in his voice, “I’ll give you some privacy now.” And with that he was finally walking away. _Finally leaving._

I think it was the weak part of me that called out, “wait,” and though it felt like I screamed it out, I know realistically it wasn’t more than a whisper. He stopped immediately in his tracks, but did not turn towards me. _Still saving me that small piece of dignity._ “Never mind,” the louder part of me answered, murdering any chance I had… 

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, “no, what is it? Whatever it is, I’m certain it’s not stupid or annoying or whatever it is you’re thinking. _How can he stay so patient with me? I don’t deserve it, it doesn’t even make sense. There’s no reason to stay so endlessly tolerant of my awful behavior._

Somehow, my voice lowered even further in volume, “stay?” _God, I sound like a pathetic little baby._ “Like, in here?” _Nope, that doesn’t fix the question._

He seemed to understand though, “I’ll wait here until you get out, okay?” He reassured me. “Feel free to take your time though,” and with that he sat down on my bed. When I didn’t head to the bathroom yet, he assured me again, “I’ll be right here.” 

Standing up, my body cracked and popped but it wasn’t even satisfying. _Figures._ Finally, I went into my restroom, locking the door behind me. Facing away from the mirror on the wall above the sink, I immediately started peeling off my dirty clothes. I tried to avoid looking at the stains of tears and snot and spit dotting both my shirt and my pants. Quickly I tossed the clothes into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. After that I washed my hands and arms in the sink, not doing a very good job at avoiding getting water on the bandaid on my hand. 

With that messy work done, I looked at the bath next to my shower. _Because of course Tony Stark, I mean Tony Potts, needs to have a separate bath and shower in each room because why not?_ The bath was filled with bubbles and I didn’t know I had bubble bath? Maybe it’s a setting for the tub, I wouldn’t be surprised. Steve must have moved my soap to the tub because it was already there waiting for me.

With that, I eased myself into the tub, immediately being met with warmth. When I moved to sit down I felt water being pushed at me, there was some kind of jet moving the water like in a hot tub. This might as well be a hot tub with how fancy it is. Sinking down into the warmth I felt my body lessen the tension I did not even realize I had. 

I only let myself relax for a moment though, because I knew if I did not scrub every inch of my skin as soon as possible then I would never feel clean. Pouring an ungodly amount of body wash into my hand, I immediately got to work. Only once I was sure every part of me was thoroughly clean did I relax back into the still warm water. Though I knew I needed to wash my hair, I did not feel like it. _My shampoo and conditioner isn’t even over here and there’s no way in hell I’m leaving this bath just to grab them. Hair care is for showers anyway._

With that, I let myself close my eyes like they’ve been aching to do this entire time. 

I’m not sure how much time passes before I motivate myself to leave the bathroom. _Somehow, it’s like the water slowed my thoughts to a stop. My mind was just… clear for once. I don’t remember the last time I’ve had that. In showers, my mind always goes on overdrive during that alone time. But this time? God, that was amazing._ Even though I didn’t want to ever leave the bath, I knew I couldn’t leave Steve waiting endlessly. And wasn’t dinner ready forever ago anyway?

I drained the bath, wrapping myself in a soft towel. Once I was relatively dry I pulled on my comfy pajamas Steve picked out for me. With a deep breath, I exited the restroom. Steve immediately met me with a smile, “how was it?” 

“Really nice actually,” I mumbled, eyes still cast down, “thank you for that.” With an ‘of course’ replied back to me, I asked, “I hope I didn’t make you wait too long?” _I must have though, I didn’t keep track of the time. I didn’t even ask Friday how long I’d wasted his time…_

He just waved it off though, “don’t worry about that. Now, I hope you don’t mind I did a bit of sketching in one of your notebooks,” he confessed with a chuckle. Of course I was swift to assure him it’s fine, completely fine. He turned my notebook towards me to show what he’d been working on _and god he’s such an outstanding artist._ He drew exquisite realistic sketches of each of the avengers. _Including me._ Before I could really absorb that, he questioned, “ready for some food?” 

At my nod, he wrapped an arm around me and led me to the door. I did not mean to melt into the comfort but I’m not complaining. He seemed to get the message because he tucked me into his side as we walked. Though, instead of turning towards the communal kitchen, he led me in the opposite direction. Before I could find the courage to ask, he explained, “if you don’t mind, we’re gonna eat in Bucky’s and my private suite.” _More privacy._

Entering the suite, I was hit by the smell of mac n cheese right away. As if on cue, my stomach let out a small growl. Of course Steve had to hear because he chuckled, “let’s get some food in you now.” With that he opened another door and I found myself in their bedroom. Bucky was already sitting on their huge king sized bed, a large bowl in his hands. Before I could even think of what to say to him, _why didn’t I prepare to see him?_ , Steve turned me towards a huge bowl filled to the brim with food. He picked up a bowl next to it and filled it up, and then waited for me to do the same. 

Now with all of us ready with our mac n cheese, Steve brought me to the bed. I crawled in next to Bucky and Steve sat on my other side. _A super soldier sandwich._ Bucky handed me a spoon seemingly out of nowhere and with that the adults began to eat. _I just couldn’t yet. Not until…_ “hey Bucky,” I said before I even thought through what I was going to say. _Too late to turn back now._ “‘M sorry.” _I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’m sorry for making you wait. I’m sorry for being such a broken mess. I’m sorry for everything._ But I couldn’t get out any other words.

He placed his spoon in his bowl and simply wrapped an arm around me, “nothing to be sorry about.” With a pat on my shoulder he went back to eating. After another spoonful, he asked, “anyone want to watch a movie?” Both Steve and I nodded, our mouths too full of food to speak. “Disney?” And with another nod he put on Coco. 

When all of our bowls were long empty, somehow I ended up leaning against Bucky’s chest with my feet sprawled across Steve’s legs. _And even though part of me insisted I must leave, I have to leave them alone, I have to go-_

But that small part, that clingy part, was too desperate for comfort to move an inch. And so I stayed cuddling with them through Coco, and through Snow White, and through Soul. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well y’all I finally feel ready to talk about why my life is so complicated and why I haven’t been updating this story. I finally moved out of my parents house and moved in with a very close friend. I’m finally safe. I’m no longer in contact with any of my family or most of my old friends. I’m going to a new school. My friend and I got a puppy together. Here, I am getting access to resources I never would have been able to before. I’m finally, for the first time ever, on track to getting better. I still have mostly bad days, and a lotta suicidal days. But now I have people who actually love me, I have friends in person who actually care about me and are here for me. For the first time I’m in a safe and loving place. Life is still super complicated, I’m trying to figure out how to be my own person, not just the doll my parents tried to force me to be. I’m trying to find a life for myself, struggling to find a job and struggling to get back into school. But now I’m actually making progress. For the first time I let someone see me have a panic attack and for the first time, I was comforted through it. I’m still nowhere close to being better, whatever that’ll look like, but I’m finally on the right track to. I did not feel like I could write this story before because this is about Peter being in a safe place, with a good family, finally on track to recovery, but I didn’t have that before. I didn’t know what that was like and this series is a vent series for me and I just couldn’t write something I didn’t know. I finally know what this is like now and now I feel like I can actually write this fic. I can’t promise I’ll update regularly but I will try to write more.  
> Thank you for reading :)


	4. three is better than two

Tony’s POV 

“If you keep running your hands through your hair like that you’re gonna make the rest of it fall out,” my wife so painfully pointed out with a chuckle before she gently wrapped her thin hands around mine. Gingerly she pulled my hands away from my hair and to her mouth where she kissed each one. 

Though her sweet display of affection, I could not help the retort that flew out of my mouth, “Are you implying I’m balding?” Though there was no hurt behind my voice, only that famous confidence she knows far too well.  _ She knows it better than anyone, and she knows how to see past it better than anyone.  _

She gave me one of those soft smiles of hers, without hesitation replying, “Your words not mine,” before her tone shifted, “But seriously, Tony, tell me what’s going on. It’s about Peter isn’t it?” I would not be surprised if she was actually a mind reader with how well she sees through me. While with everyone else I am Iron, I am opaque. You would have to make a whole in me to see through me. But with Pepper, I’m not Iron full of holes, no I am plastic. Not something that will shatter upon touch, but just as see through. Something that can still break, but will hold on tighter than glass ever can. 

I pulled our interlaced hands towards my own mouth to lay gentle kisses on her knuckles, “You see through me like no other,” that was as much confirmation for her as saying ‘yes, it’s about Peter, it’s always about Peter,’ would be. 

“You only just figured that out?” She let out a gentle laugh. If I had only now realized that, then I would really be an idiot. “it’s okay to be worried about him,” her voice softened, “I know you two haven’t been apart like this in months.” And yet it feels so much longer. It feels like Peter’s been in my life for an eternity, like we haven’t been separated in an eternity. Somehow though, it’s only been months, not even a year. Somehow my whole world has changed to surround and protect a teenage boy who’s taken what was left of my small heart. 

I let out a shaky breath as she sat down next to me on the hotel bed, “It’s more than that, Pep,” I tried to force my breathing to be more even before I revealed my thoughts, “Honestly, I do want to cut the trip short. You know I want to spend as much time with you as I can, but neither of us are having a relaxing time,” I quickly stopped her as soon as she opened her mouth to protest, “And before you say you are, I know you’re stressed about the contracts with SI.” Even though the contracts are not an emergency level problem, it’s no doubt taking a toll on my wife. 

She sighed, “I’m not necessarily stressed about it, but I do want to go fix it myself,” she told me earnestly. I can’t blame her for wanting to deal with the problem herself, no one else can convince an impossible company to sign our contracts like Pepper Potts. 

I gave her a smirk, pulling her closer to me, “Who can say no to Pepper Potts herself telling you to sign a contract?” No one, the answer is absolutely no one.

That, of course, got a grin out of her, “Exactly. But that’s no reason to cut our honeymoon short…” she took a deep breath, “but both of us desperately wanting to get back to Peter  _ is _ a reason to go back.” 

Before I could let myself feel ecstatic at seeing my kid early, I knew it could never be so simple. “The complicated part is I know he’d feel guilty and blame himself if we came back early. He’d assume it’s his fault.” As much as I wish I could just come home and everything would be all sunshine and rainbows, I know his mind won’t let him see it like that. 

Always one to find a solution, she suggested, “If we say it’s because we wanted to get the contacts signed it would help take the blame off of him, right?”

That’s not a lie either, she clearly does want to take care of the contracts herself, in person. “It would probably help, but he’d still feel guilty either way.”  _ God, the kid deserves a break from his own mind. _

She was quick to make another suggestion, “What if we went on another trip after I get the contracts signed?”

“And leave Peter-?!”

She immediately shot down that fear, “No! No, a family trip. Just the three of us.” People say I’m a fixer when really Pepper should be called the fixer in this family. “Because then the issues with SI are resolved and then none of us need to be worried anymore because we are all together.”

Peter wouldn’t have to feel guilty if the vacation isn’t over, just on pause. “That could work, actually.” And even if he does feel guilty anyway, which is still likely, then hopefully a vacation will help ease that tension. After all, going to Legolas’s farm helped the kid more than even I had anticipated. A family vacation should be the perfect remedy. 

“You want to pack now?” She laughed, most likely already making a list in her head of what needs to be done. Because she’s always just that prepared. 

After a moment of consideration, I decided “Well I suppose we can have one last night here and then pack and fly out in the morning,” as much as I desperately want to see my little Spider-Baby, one night shouldn’t hurt. “Let’s surprise that little spider first thing tomorrow,” I chuckled. 

“Sounds perfect,” she murmured to me before she gave me a sweet kiss on the lips. And I, of course, returned the favor to my darling wife.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you LittleMissAgrafina for helping with the ideas for this chapter.  
> I decided to do Tony’s POV in first person because that is way easier for me to write. I’m sorry if you like third person better. I just wanted to try to get a chapter out as easily as possible.   
> I’m sorry it took so long for this chapter to come out. Life is still so complicated and now I have to try to adult and I have no idea how.   
> One big thing that happened is that I finally for the first time got antidepressants. But the thing is, it makes my mind worse before it’ll get better. And I’m still in the making it worse phase which really really sucks. I’m so incredibly thankful to finally have the opportunity to have meds for my mental illnesses I just can only hope they help.  
> Thank you for the patience and for reading


	5. confusion

I pulled the kettle off the stove mere seconds before the whistle could start blaring. I really do not need anyone asking me why I am making tea at good ol’ 3:46 in the morning. It’s not like it’s my fault my dad does not have tea in his private kitchen, after all, it really should be mandatory to have at least a few different kinds in every kitchen. I just have to hope the communal kitchen is not echoey. 

I did not even finish steeping the tea bag before my middle of the night drink was interrupted. “Peter?” Bucky’s deep voice rang softly, “what are you doing awake?” Instead of answering, I just returned the question to him. “I’m making breakfast before my workout. And don’t think I didn’t notice you avoiding my question,” though there was no frustration or annoyance in his words. 

As I spun the tea bag around the mug, I asked, “you work out at 4 in the morning?” After squeezing the extra tea out of the bag, I stood and threw it out while I waited for the super soldier to reply. 

He nodded, pulling a skillet out of the cabinet, “I don’t sleep much and working out is a good distraction. Do you want some eggs?” At my confirmation he went over to the fridge and pulled out two cartons of eggs. Though the first one was only about a third of the way filled despite it being the biggest carton of eggs I’ve ever seen. “Did you have a nightmare?” He asked so casually, as if he was asking what kind of eggs I want. 

“I mean…” I paused, quickly trying to decide whether I should lie or not.  _ I mean, there’s not much harm that can come from telling the truth. Right?  _ “Yeah I did,” I admitted softly, watching him mix the eggs in a bowl instead of looking at his face. 

After greasing the pan, he poured the mixture in and began cooking the scrambled eggs, “do you want to talk about it?” I don’t understand how he can be so chill about such deep things, as if this is just a normal occurrence. Then again, for us it is. 

I shrugged.  _ How can I tell him that it wasn’t completely a nightmare? That waking up was the scariest part? How can I say how real it felt? That when the dream version of Aunt May ran her fingers through my hair I really did think it was reality? That when she laughed it was like music? That being with her felt nice? That when I woke up I didn’t even know where I was, that my first thought was to find my Aunt? _

I tried to force my breaths to even out despite the increasing tightness in my chest. 

_ Is it wrong to yearn for someone who hurt me so badly? To miss the good moments with someone who did unspeakable things to me? Is it wrong that just for a moment… for a breath I wished my dream was real? I wished that Aunt May looked at me with eyes full of love, eyes like how my parents look at me. I wished she would hold me in a soft yet secure embrace like my mom does. I wished she would take care of me like my dad does.  _

How can I have everything I ever wanted and still miss what I never had?

“Peter?” Bucky pulled me from my thoughts. At least I could only hope that’s the first time he said my name and I was not just ignoring him the last however many minutes. “You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too much,” he told me seriously, briefly pausing from stirring the eggs around the pan.

I shook my head, as if the physical action could really shake the thoughts out of my mind, “I’m sorry,” I cleared my throat, “I just got lost in thought. It’s complicated,” I cleared my throat yet again to try to get that icky tightness out of it. 

_ It just does not make sense. I do not wish I was with May, I could not be happier to live here and be in this family. I do not want to even see May again. _

_ So then why do I wish for a better life with her? Why do I miss the good times I did have with her? Yeah our relationship was no where close to ideal, but there were times I was happy. There are good memories, even if they were so long ago. Here is so much better, so much happier, and yet I can’t help but think about how my life could have been if May was more like Tony or Pepper.  _

I watched as Bucky scooped the eggs off the pan and put them on a plate before beginning to cook the next round. “It’s okay to be confused,” he told me simply. Even though he was still working on breakfast while he spoke, I knew his attention was on me. 

_ Isn’t it wrong to miss May? To miss the good moments with her? To wish I had more nice times with her? I know I never want to go back, I don’t regret being here, with this family, so why am I having these thoughts? It feels wrong. I don’t want to be ungrateful, I don’t mean to be. _

“Why don’t you eat, take your mind off it for now?” He slid the plate of eggs over to me even though his own food was not finished yet. He also slid over a plate of toast.  _ When did he make toast?  _ I was able to mumble out a thank you before taking a bite. Though before Bucky even finished making his breakfast, the elevator opened.  _ Who would be coming up so early in the morning? _

As I turned around I saw Bucky’s gaping face in my peripheral vision. I was met with the sight of my parents gaping back at us. 

_ What the hell?! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this is a filler chapter. I did mean to have more plot but I needed to vent. I’ve been having happy dreams about my mom lately which is sometimes scarier than the nightmares because the dreams are so nice and it reminds me of the good times and even with all the unspeakable things she did to me I still miss her sometimes. And I feel guilty for missing her. It’s all so complicated and I thought venting may help me figure out the feelings better. The next chapter I have planned out so hopefully it’ll come soonish. Thank you for reading :)


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